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  • Writer's picturePatti Pontoon

RCMP investigating missing activists

WHITEHORSE - Self-professed activists may be hiding inside own orifices

A Yukon RCMP officer shares an image of the location where dozens of Whitehorse activists are thought to have disappeared (Photo: Whitewash News)

The Yukon RCMP is appealing to the public for help finding dozens of people who are believed to have disappeared up their own asses.

According to an RCMP news release issued on Tuesday afternoon, the people started to go missing on May 10 and haven't been seen or heard from since.

RCMP Supt. Eric Colbert said the missing people are all Whitehorse residents and "self-professed activists."

"One common thread between the missing people is that they labeled themselves activists when no-one else did" Colbert explained.

"This is evidence that they were already up their own asses. We now believe they may have completely disappeared up there."


Colbert said that unlike genuine activists, the missing Yukoners are known to spend a lot of time on Twitter boasting about themselves and their achievements whilst supporting popular causes.

"They are part of a group commonly referred to as slacktivists," Colbert said. "They are people of all races, sex and backgrounds who post vigorously about incredibly important but incredibly safe causes to support such as BLM, equality for BIPOC, or rights for Transgender people."

"These types of causes are easy to support, especially in the Yukon, and that support often leads to personal gain as opposed to personal sacrifice or discomfort."

Colbert added that Yukon's slacktivists have no problem organizing vigils and protests for popular causes but when it comes to equally important causes that bring less personal reward, the same slacktivists reveal their lack of courage by doing nothing.

Theory behind disappearances

The results of the RCMP investigation to date suggest that the disappearance of Yukon slacktivists is in response to the recent unrest in Gaza sparked by the evictions of Arab People from the Sheikh Jarrah neighbourhood of east Jerusalem.

"It takes courage to speak out against Israel's persecution of Palestinians for fear of being labeled anti-Semitic" Colbert explained. "Solidarity through courage is not something typically associated with slacktivists."

Supporters of Israel's dehumanization of Arab People are known for deliberately conflating opposition to Israeli apartheid with animosity toward Jews.

This deliberate conflation is the tried and tested method for silencing those who try to speak out against Israel's policies.

"We think this may be why the slacktivists disappeared" Colbert said. "They're afraid of saying anything that a real activist would say because that might disrupt their comfortable lives."

"If open opposition to apartheid in Israel becomes trendier and safer, we suspect the slacktivists will then exit their asses and start Tweeting about it."

Turning a blind eye

Fake activists aside, only a handful of the Yukon's community leaders and politicians have voiced an opinion on Israel's crimes against humanity. Amongst them is the NDP's Liz Hanson who tweeted a Globe and Mail opinion piece about the crisis.

The CBC, meanwhile, has been widely criticized, including by its own journalists, for failing to provide impartial media coverage.

On April 27, Human Rights Watch (HRW) published a 213-page report confirming that Israel has for decades engaged in the ruthless and systemic persecution of Palestinians.

In a brazen display of bias, the CBC declined to give any coverage whatsoever to the report on Israel despite the fact that a year previous it gave widespread coverage across its platforms to a similar HRW report on China.

Slacktivist haven

Colbert believes that the Yukon provides the perfect environment for slacktivists.

"In Whitehorse, anyone with a pulse can get a job and anyone with a mouth can have their opinions published. It's not uncommon for some self-obsessed idiot with a Twitter account to end up quoted in the media."

When asked how the public can recognise the missing people, Colbert claimed it shouldn't be difficult because "they are loud when it's easy to shout and quiet when it matters the most."


Editors' note: This story was published in the 'Satire' section of our website. It is inspired by real news and based on true facts as per the links provided.

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