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  • Writer's pictureBilly Beringia

Yukon launches "Size Matters" road safety campaign

WHITEHORSE - Data says poor driving skills linked to penis size

An RCMP penis checkpoint north of Whitehorse, October 2019 (Image: Jeff Bursley)

On Friday morning, the Yukon Government launched its "Size Matters" road safety campaign aimed at increasing awareness of the link between penis size and dangerous driving.

The campaign is a partnership between the Yukon Government, City of Whitehorse and RCMP. It comes after evidence linking small penis size to poor driving skills was established in the results of a Yukon Government road safety report published last April.

The findings of that report are based on data gathered through the RCMP Roadside Penis Checkpoint Survey. The survey was carried out between August and October 2019 and involved checkpoints on roads throughout the Yukon, including Downtown Whitehorse.

RCMP officers and cameras monitored moving vehicles over a two mile stretch of road and dangerous drivers were eventually pulled over to have their penis measured.

Using specialised equipment and science-based calculations, nurses and doctors working alongside the RCMP were able to estimate a "when erect" penis size by taking measurements of flacid penises.

Males with a "when erect" penis size of five inches or less were found to be:

  • 12 times more likely to tailgate;

  • 11 times more likely to overtake dangerously;

  • 6 times more likely to break a light or ignore a pedestrian crossing; and

  • 5 times more likely to drive a truck.

The report found similar results with women drivers who had male sexual partners with small penises. Overall, males with average or above-average penis size and their female sexual partners showed significantly improved driving skills.

Motorcyclists, known for their advanced driving skills, were excluded from the study.

Shamed off the road

Yukon's Chief Medical Officer Dr. Brendan Hanley told reporters that the purpose of the campaign was two-fold.

"It's part-shame, part education" Hanley said. "Hopefully, the next time someone is tempted to tailgate or tries to overtake dangerously, they will be prevented from doing so for fear of revealing their inadequate penis size or that of their partners."

"We also want people with small penis issues to be aware that they can't drive properly."

A measured approach

As part of the Size Matters campaign, Yukoners are being asked to measure penises belonging to them or their partners before they drive a car. Anyone who observes a five inch measurement or less is being asked to not drive at all.

The City of Whitehorse is encouraging people with small penis issues to avail of a free annual bus pass while the Yukon Government is offering rebates on bicycles and penis extenders.

Blame game

The Yukon has the second-highest rate of road deaths and injuries in the country, after Saskatchewan. Although often blamed for not doing enough to enforce driving laws, the Yukon RCMP's ability to enforce is entirely dependent on the budget that the Yukon Government allocates to the police to do their job.

Since 2017, the Yukon has seen a significant rise in road accidents alongside a decrease in funding for the Yukon RCMP. Yukon Premier Sandy Silver and Minister of Justice Tracy-Anne McPhee have been reluctant to explain to the public that their government is responsible for the perceived lack of RCMP presence on the territory's roads.

Related news

Yukon RCMP sees funding cut despite rise in crime

Yukon has second-highest rate of death and injury on roads in Canada


Editors' note: This story was published in the 'Satire' section of our website. It is inspired by real news and based on true facts as per the links provided.

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